Accepting What Is...

My ex-husband died. One never knows how one will react to such news until it happens. Immediately, I felt relief as our union was so explosive and I was always on guard, even after the divorce. Then, a deep wailing gathered in my heart. So deep. A lament of the dreams unrealized. All the weddings and christenings he will miss. The gash in my boys hearts, never to be mended. I can't stitch them up with a kiss. I can't ease their pain at all. And I discovered that all this time, I truly thought he would quit drinking and find his way back to me. Not only did that not happen, I didn't even get to say goodbye. My cold heart melted with the news of his death.

In the midst of this pain, an ugly charater defect of mine reared its ugly head. I was not mentioned anywhere in the final remarks of his life. The enlightened me knows it's not about me, but the childish Missy in me was having none of it. So much so that I started vocalizing my rightous indignation to my grieving boys. How dare I? After so much growth during The Humbling, I would think I would

1. Not feel that wy at all.

2. Know better.

This is where my God comes in. I can't take away my defects on my own, especially the core issues that I came into this life to overcome. Only my Creator can, with my consent, reshape my heart. I want to feel empathy and compassion for all, but instead I'm feeling discounted, left out, put upon. In prayer and contemplation, I find my true heart. The one that runs to Jesus and Mary for comfort and piece. The heart that lives in the love of the Holy Spirit, perfectly held, all needs met.

This is the truth of it. When I can shift into Gratitude for all that God has delivered me from, I get right-minded. I genuinly want to hold them all with compassionate love in my heart. This leads to right action and a life full of grace and abundance.

This is the truth of it. If I take my broken heart to God, I am healed and therefore can offer healing to those I love the most.

So. Much. Love.

m